Glorify The Turd

Xaviera – “S/T” LP (1973)

From the time I discovered the great cultural institutions known as “The Used Bin” and “The Second Hand Record Shop” I have always run across this record, usually for $20 or more and always more than I’d be willing to pay.  I’d never heard the thing, but had a pretty good idea what it sounded like and, upon finding a copy for $2 a few months ago was, once again, able to find some closure to an unanswered question from my childhood.  Back in the early 70’s this lady received some notoriety for writing a book called “The Happy Hooker” and, not having been old enough to understand this sort of thing when it was going on, I can only assume now that she did, in fact, write the book herself, along with the shtick on this record, although my finer instincts tell me this whole thing smacks of the ole BS and half suspect some dude had a hand in it.  Having had my fare share of exposure to her profession over the years, I kind of have to wonder if any of those chicks with track marks on their arms, hair falling out, and missing teeth would regale me with sexual philosophy and witty banter if I had ever been desperate enough to risk AIDS and screw one of them.  Maybe I missed out.

Anyways, for the most part, this record sounds exactly like I always thought it would.  Not a total piece of shit, but I’ll stick with “The Story of Barbara”.

Oh, yeah, there’s some surface noise in parts as a result of these little bumps on the record that occurred at the time of pressing.  There’s nothing I can do about it, so you can just pretend it’s the sound of her little heart beating—for you!

Rear Cover

SAMPLES:

 The Hippie

The Question

Download HERE

Midnight Cowpoke – S/T LP (197?)

Just in the nick of time, I scored another one of these things, just in time for bloggin’.  As one may glean from the LP title, this is supposed to be a take-off on a popular movie, like that “Shaftman” record I posted a while back but, happily, this thing doesn’t have much to do with the plot of Midnight Cowboy.  Instead, we have a story about the adventures of Clyde, a Gomer Pyle sound-alike who recently came into some money and made his way up to the big city.  You see, Clyde has a problem.  Apparently, he has been waking up every morning with the thing between his legs being all hard and stiff and, obviously, the reason his member is all hard and stiff is because it is full of “poison”.  Thus, Clyde is forced to make his way up to the city and seek the services of Miss Marge and Miss Vicky, who just happen to be experts in the fine art of poison removal.  What luck!  Can Miss Vicky and Miss Marge get the “poison” out of Clyde’s penis in time?  Well, just hold onto your hats, as this non-stop thrill-ride of a record will have you on the edge of your seat as you find out!  With all the complicated plot twists and turns, it would be impossible for me to go any further in describing this riveting action thriller, but I will mention that, once again, it involves “the butt”.  You know the drill.

Enjoy Them At Home

SAMPLE TRACKS:

Sample 1

Sample 2

Sample 3

Download HERE

Permission Denied?

Anyone else out there running into this stuff from MediaFire?  One of my readers brought this to my attention and then I started running across it on other sites.  Here we go again.  It would be one thing if they were actually showing concern for the artists, but instead they are just trying to rope you into giving money to Amazon or iTunes.  Nevah!  You think White Flag is getting money from Amazon for their out of print CD? And they don’t offer the LP for download, either.  If you run into this crap on my site, leave a note in the comments and I’ll try to fix it.

Gloria Leonard – “Head Of The Class” Flexi (1980)

I must say I’m surprised by the number of people who downloaded that Velvet Talks thing I posted a while back.  And here I thought youze fellers had some class?  Well, I know better now.  So here’s some more dirty talkin’ with one of the early godmothers of porn, Gloria Leonard.   While I’ll admit to having a copy of “The Trouble With Young Stuff” laying around somewhere, I must also admit that this gal never really did a lot for me.  Hearing her in audio only, she kind of comes off as a cross between a Jewish NPR announcer from some show like “All Things Considered” and my old boss.  Not good.  Not good at all.

Anyway, like that other recording, the sound quality is what it is.  As a 30+ year-old disposable medium, be thankful it even plays at all.

SAMPLE:

Gloria Leonard – Head Of The Class

Download HERE

Fornicating Female Freaks – LP (1971)

OK, well seeing as I had to strain my fingers writing up that Torpedos show, I guess I might as well post a record.  I swear, of late my experiences with music, movies and records have been on a par with the economy, by which I mean dead as a doornail.  A total famine and this last weekend was the first time in over two months that I even got out to do some digging.  Pitiful.  I think at one point I went a good three weeks without even so much as throwing a record on my turntable—that’s how often I listen to this shit.  Even more pitiful.  Whatever.  Times are tough and my mind is a million miles away from 80’s Punk Rock, which is a good thing because when I think of how much better things were in this country in those days it completely pisses me off!

But I won’t leave you clowns hanging and, based on the number of downloads, I can’t help but note that you folks seem to like these things.  Good for you!  I’ve had an eye out for this shit of late and I’ve noted that the eBay drones have started getting into this stuff, jacking up the prices to ridiculous levels.  Fug dat.  I’ve noticed that this particular one seems to be selling for $60.00 and up for some reason.  Not worth it.  In fact, I’d just about argue that right now you guys are paying about what it should be worth: nuthin’!

So you know the drill at this point and the hundreds of you that seemed to enjoy The Perverted Nympho Housewife (AKA Katharine Hepburn) will be happy to know that she is back in action and swings both ways, treating luscious 22 year-old Joanne to a weekend-long feast of bearded clam.  It’s pretty obvious that this was written by the same person who did Swingers Orgy and Nympho Housewife, as it contains the same level of filth with ass-eating, dildoes in the ass, etc.  Like I said, you know the drill.

SAMPLES:

Sample 1

Sample 2

Download HERE

Rear Cover

Velvet Talks – Vanessa Del Rio (1981)

I guess some folks might be happy to know that I am finally getting near the bottom of the pile on these smut records.  But that could change.  I WILL make it change!  Anyway, as I’ve said before, I’ve never been a big fan of porn in general, not due to any sense of moral decency, but due to the fact that much of it really is demeaning to both sexes and the occasional farm animal.  As far as the genre goes, it is this sort of material that marks the point where the Average Joe Pud-Jerker begins and I leave off.  Just plain unrealistic, unimaginative and dumb and, when it got to the part where the guys force her to blow them and then piss on her face, I was starting to think it projected a negative attitude towards women but, fortunately, she liked it!  I’ve seen a few of these flexi’s floating around from this publication, but they are before my time and I know nothing about them.  Many of the ones I’ve run across don’t have the nifty picture on them and I assume they came with a magazine, attempting to add another sensory aspect to the spank-a-thon.  Obviously, the sound quality on this thing suffers as a result of the media it was pressed on—it is what it is.

SAMPLE:

Vanessa Del Rio

Download HERE

Fantasy Tapes – “Orgy Family” Cassette (1987)

Right off the bat, I can think of at least two things that are very wrong with this cassette.  First off, while I can’t exactly speak from experience, my general understanding of what constitutes an “orgy” is that it involves at least more than two people, whereas this story only involves two people—a brother and sister.  Secondly, this entire recording is a complete rip off of “Sonny and Sis”, the very first thing I posted on this blog.  So what’s the deal with that?  Is it like that movie, “The Aristocrats”, where you kind of use the same basic plot outline as a vehicle to ad-lib whatever sick shit pops into your head?  Not like these people are ad-libbing, mind you, as the whole thing reads like they might have rehearsed it maybe once before making the recording!  At least “Sonny and Sis” sounds somewhat professional, whereas just about any jerk with a tape recorder could have cranked this piece of shit out.  But I guess that would be part of the charm of the thing, as there isn’t a single element of this entire recording that boasts of imagination, intelligence or professionalism—it’s the bottom of the food chain!  Pure audio garbage.

And, again, I find myself wondering who the hell got off on this stuff.  Shit, I get more out of looking at the pictures on the cover than I do listening to it!  Do blind people need stuff to jerk off to or something?

SAMPLE:

Orgy Family

Download HERE

Rear Cover

Hollywood Harlots – “Love, Gay-Style” LP (196?)

Yes, more smut.  Is this stuff driving away readers?  Well, good riddance to you, but I fear this piece of junk might just drive off whoever is left!  Yeah, this disc is queer as fuck, but not at all what I thought it would be when I picked it up, figuring it for a comedy routine along the lines of some of the other smut records I’ve posted.  Not the case.  Actually, I’ll admit that I find this record interesting, not for its content (that is actually pretty weak), but for what the entire package as a whole was originally meant for.  You see, this is NOT a “party record”.  It was actually meant as an audio stimulant for some lonely Sodomite to jerk his gherkin to in the privacy of his own home.  The cover of this record (not pictured) is nothing but a blank, white piece of cardboard with no writing on it.  Inside one finds some old black and white photos of a couple naked fags doing some soft-core porn shots.  So basically, this thing gave you the entire package: something to look at and something to listen to.

Judging by the hairstyles of the two guys, I’m guessing this came out in the late 1960’s, during that ambiguous period where hardcore porn was still basically illegal, but mildly tolerated if it was sold under the counter, thus making this an underground recording.  And it sounds it.  Obviously, it’s just a couple fags coming up with smutty schlock in an apartment, using a reel-to-reel tape recorder.  The A-Side may or may not be a live sex act, with unnecessary dialogue to keep the listener interested but, even if it was a guy and a chick, it wouldn’t be that interesting.  The mic wasn’t grounded properly or something, either, because there is an annoying buzz that I can’t get rid of throughout most of it.   The B-Side is the “S & M Party” and it is considerably more entertaining with whippings, fisting, buggery and general butt piracy that any two jerks could have made up off the top of their heads whether they were gay or not, although at any given moment I’m expecting to hear the door kicked down and Tesco Vee shout “Eat on this knuckle sandwich—we’re not tooling for anus!”

Dirk and the Mystery Stain

SAMPLE:

SIDE2 – S + M Party

Download HERE

The Lustful Sexlife Of A Perverted Nympho Housewife – LP (196?, 197?))

I promised this to one of my loyal readers and, of course, it is my pleasure to see this sort of recording made available for general consumption.  Not much else to say about this record that I haven’t already said about the other ones, although fans of Wife Swapping Swingers Orgy will be happy to hear that this one appears to be written by the same guy, with ass-eating, forced anal, and the most sexually demanding grocery store delivery boy to ever walk the face of the earth.  And it’s all performed by professional-sounding, old school radio voices that don’t fit at all with the retarded dialogue.  You know the drill, but who ever knew that Katharine Hepburn was so hard up for cash?

SAMPLE TRACKS:

Sample 1

Sample 2

Download HERE

Sounds Of The San Francisco Adult Bookstores – 7″ EP (1997)

So I’m trolling eBay, looking to see if any of those smut records ever get sold on there and I find some ass-clown trying to sell this record for $80.00.  Yes, $80.00!  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!  Now, I know some sellers out there have no idea what they are doing, with the result that we will see some crazy prices from time to time and it is my earnest, heart-felt hope that this is the case with this record.  PLEEEEEAAAAASE let it be the case!!!!!  If not, then record collecting has truly hit a new low, as this disc is one of the most uninteresting, no-talent, pieces of shit I have ever heard!  Any jerk could have made this thing in his sleep.  Seriously, this record is so stupid it’s not even funny  unless, of course, you’re idea of “funny” is people being annoyed by dumbass novelty records that are so stupid they aren’t even funny, in which case the record would, indeed, be technically “funny”, but you’d be a jerk.

You can take my word for it that the only reason I am even posting this is in the hopes that some fool who is actually considering blowing $80.00 on this piece of tripe will do a search and find this post.  Then, after realizing that this record is, in fact, lame crap, he will do the right thing and blow his $80.00 on a bag of rock or a couple fat chunks of glass.

Oh, yes, and if memory serves, I paid $1.99 for this piece of shit—and felt cheated!!

Rear Cover

SAMPLE:

Sounds Of The San Francisco Adult Bookstores

Download HERE

Back In Business!

All the old posts have now been switched over to MediaFire and the site is, once again, fully functional.  Let’s see how long this lasts, shall we?  I have to admit my confidence in MediaFire could be a little higher, but I’ll give them a chance.  And am I the only one who has trouble with their multi-uploader?  It rarely works and you have to upload one file at a time, hovering over the site until it goes through.  To compound the problem, the nearest high speed internet connection I have is a gas station on the edge of the nearest town with minimal heat and stinks of fried pork tenderloin and potato wedges.  So here I am, stinking of pork tenderloins and potato wedges, and what the hell have you clowns done for me?  Nuthin’!

Oh, and I did some long-overdue site maintenance while I was waiting and stinking.  Basically, I added some new categories to aid in site navigation.  Now, you can get all the Mentors and El Duce posts at the click of a mouse and I did the same with a couple other bands and genres.  I have also received a couple requests in the past to put together a list of some of the top retard and fake Punk releases.  Well, I’m not sure if I can really comply with such a request but, as far as this site goes, I added the categories of Poopy Punk and Poopy Rock that, while containing some legitimate releases, tends to gravitate more towards the bands and artists who went the extra mile in general dumbassitude and crapola.  Not that most of this stuff isn’t stupid, mind you!  I have some new posts in the works and should have them up by then end of the week.

The Story Of Barbara – LP (196?, 197?)

Wow.  I almost don’t even know where to start on this one, but let me say that, if you have enjoyed any of the other records of this nature I have posted, then get that old mouse to clicking, as this is the best one, yet!  As you can well imagine, I have heard my share of sleaze and schlock in my time, but I must say that this puppy is one of the most entertaining, over-the-top sleazy romps I have ever heard in my life—I’m not kidding!  The folks who put this thing together are some truly sick puppies and what’s up with the whole incest thing?  While I can’t claim to be a huge fan of porn, I feel I can speak with some degree of authority when I declare that incest is not your common stroke-fare for the average pud-jerker.  While there have always been a few books, mags, websites, etc. devoted to the subject, it has never been particularly popular.  So, with that in mind, what the Hell is up with these clowns, as I now own two records by this company, both of which embracing the subject?  And who in the world gets off on this stuff?  Hey, maybe some of you hard-up dudes will find out!

So, basically, this record is the sordid story of a girl named Barbara and, indeed, the old gal certainly makes the rounds.  From Dear Old Dad, to Ms. Evans (the lesbian English teacher), followed by 14 year-old Jeff, dope, booze, and later married life and the wild, crazy wife-swapping scene, old Babs manages to get put through the wringer, although she doesn’t seem to mind too terribly much until her final occupation as professional cock-sucker lands her in trouble with The Fuzz.  There isn’t a dull moment to be found on this platter and if the scuzziness of this whole affair doesn’t do it for you, then ponder that this record has to be at least forty years old and wonder, again, what kind of weirdo came up with this stuff!  VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!  And I have more of these records—stay tuned!!

SAMPLES:

Sample 1

Sample 2

Download (Mediafire) HERE

Shaftman X-Rated LP (197?)

Well, I can’t help but notice a bunch of people downloaded that “Wife Swapping Swingers Orgy” LP I uploaded last time.  You people should be ashamed of yourselves.  Well, this one was obviously put out by the same company and, while it isn’t quite as degrading to women as the aforesaid mentioned LP, they manage to fill the void by making Black people look like idiots, as well.  Also, unlike the other LP, this one attempts to tell a story of sorts, basically coming off as a fourth rate, X-Rated rip off of Shaft.  Really dumb stuff here and, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was written by a White dude, as the attempts by the readers to speak crude, ghetto, slang sound about as forced and fake as the simulated cock-sucking noises, that sound like a dude with big lips trying to drink a hot cup of soup.  I won’t even attempt to summarize the “plot” as it is completely retarded and harebrained.   More of this stuff to come and let’s not forget about “Sonny ‘n Sis” and “The Sensuous Black Man”!

SAMPLE:

Turn me fuckin’ loose…….

Download (MediaFire) HERE

X Rated Wife Swapping Swingers Orgy LP (196?)

Yes, I do understand that this is lowbrow, bottom of the food chain claptrap—I’m not a complete idiot.  Yet.  So with that out of the way, let me proceed to endorse and extol the virtues of this fine LP.  What virtues, you ask?  Well, this record is funny as shit for one thing!  Seriously, there isn’t a spot on this entire record where you can’t throw the needle down and be totally amused—there isn’t a dull moment to be found.  Also, it serves to answer the age-old question of what washed-up radio personalities from the 1950’s did when they were hard up for cash in the late 1960’s.  Perhaps, they deliberately used these kinds of voices since the characters are supposed to be middle-aged, which leads me to wonder what kind of weirdo jerked off to this stuff, as the mental picture I get out of this is  not pretty!  Another point of interest is that, despite its age, the quality of filth described is quite ahead of its time:  ass-to-mouth, forced anal, bleeding buttholes, lesbo action and yer mama’s pussy.  This thing has it all!  Highly recommended!!

SAMPLE:

XRATED

Download  HERE

Rudy Ray Moore – “The Sensuous Black Man” LP (197?)

I can’t help but notice you people keep downloading that Richard and Willie LP.  You are all clearly swine, but I’m not complaining.  At any rate, if you liked that record, then this one should float your boat, as well.  Personally, I think this record is much better.  Everyone should be familiar with the works of Rudy Ray Moore, so I won’t even bother with an introduction, but this is one LP I’d be willing to bet will never see the light of day again, and it’s a real shame because it’s the best thing he ever did.  A message of Hope, Change, and overall uplifting of our culture that will sound throughout the ages.  Play loud!!

SAMPLE:

The Sensuous Black Man

Download HERE

Sonny ‘n Sis / Mary Loves Lori (196? or 197?)

In an age of moral decline, it is hard to find a study of brotherly love and women’s studies portrayed as effectively as it is on this record.  The internet was created for sharing files like this and, hopefully, this will expand your consciousness as much as it has mine.  I have been looking for other records from this series for years but to no avail.  Anyone out there know anything about this label?  Or, better yet, if you have another record from this series, would you be so kind as to share?  I can’t imagine anything being as good as this, though.

Download it HERE.