Artless – S/T LP (1985)
Not to be confused with the German band, this Artless was a US band, fronted by former MRR columnist Mykel Board. This is a respectable release of low-fi, trashy punk that probably would have faded from rotation and got traded a while ago were it not for one great song on this thing: “When You’re My Age, You’ll Be Selling Insurance”. Let all of us over the age of 35 tip our hats to a man who speaks what oft was thought but ne’er so well expressed! What fading punker hasn’t looked at the younger crops of hip cats and thought the same thing? They do come and go, don’t they? I have to give the man credit for helping me coin a phrase that comes in handy quite a bit.
When You're My Age, You'll Be Selling Insurance
This was one of those one-sided LP deals with an etching on the flipside in lieu of actual music. Why do bands do that? Cheap bastards?
SAMPLE TRACKS:
When You’re My Age You’ll Be Selling Insurance
Download HERE
MEN – “Herminutics” LP (1981)
While many people are familiar with the legendary KBD band The Mentally Ill, few seem know that a couple of the guys went on to form the band MEN and continued to put out records on the Autistic / Snat5 label. This is their first LP and if you’re expecting a continuation of the ’77 Punk craziness of The Ill, you are doomed to disappointment. But that’s not to say this is a bad record—actually it is quite good and not in the bemused Mr. Poopy type of good, but in the fact that they actually had some talent.
Arthur MacQuilkin III, Reggie Mars, Sven Herman, Jack Santee
However, all talent aside, there is a tragic / humorous aspect to this band that really floats my boat. Apparently, the lead singer / songwriter inherited some money, with the result that they were able to afford some kick-ass production, deciding to try to make this stuff the next big thing by renting an office in the South Loop of Chicago and trying to market these songs to a more commercial audience. OK, so I said this was good, but it’s not that kind of good! Not by a long shot! This band is completely nuts and the individuals involved were certainly chomping away at the old sugar cubes and blotter paper when they recorded this stuff. And, while the music is certainly psychedelic, it is not a happy, groovy psychedelic, but more in the vein of a bad acid trip akin to early Chrome—and it was intended to be dance music! Suffice it to say, they didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting anywhere with this stuff in 1981 and it wouldn’t fly in 2009 for that matter. This shit is just too weird and about the only lame description for it I can come up with off the top of my head might be Duran Duran on about 30 hits of acid.
SAMPLE TRACK:
Download HERE
MEN – “Matrix Of Compassion” LP (1982)
This is the second MEN LP. It is very much the same style as the first one, only with shorter, more structured songs. For you Punkers out there, it also boasts what might be considered the last gasp of The Mentally Ill in the song Nutron Baby, a killer Class of ’77 rocker, stuffed through the same LSD filter as their later stuff. If anything, the LP is a little darker than the first one.
I used to find these records in thrift stores and $0.99 bins all the time. What the hell is wrong with people in Shitcago? Not to be incendiary, but that town could never do more than boast a mediocre music scene at best, the local rags clutching at straws to prop up any no-talent act they could find that could be passed off as halfway cool. If that city weren’t the size that it was, no one would pay any attention to most of the bands that spill out of it. Now, on the other hand, here you have these obscure, crazy records that hail back to the Glory Days of Punk and New Wave and what do they do? Stick them in thrift stores and dollar bins! I couldn’t find a single person who even heard of them until I finally met one of the dudes in the band! I think the shit they pour in the water to make the citizens of that town agree to their idiotic gun laws and vote for their parasite politicians must affect their taste in music, as well! It baffles the mind.
SAMPLE TRACK:
Download HERE
MEN / E-Space – Split LP (1982)
This is the last MEN release I was ever able to find. If there is other stuff, it has not been my pleasure to hear it. If you made it past the first two LP’s, this one holds no surprises. There are two songs by MEN in the same vein as their other stuff and two songs by a Hip-Hop band called E-Space, which shared the bass player, Reggie Mars. Mr. Poopy can’t claim to be a huge fan of hip-hop, so it is only fitting that one of the few records of the genre I own would consist of a couple people rapping about Dr. Who. Go figure.
SAMPLE TRACK:
Download HERE
Pig Children – “Blood For The State” EP (1985)
This little piggy is a filthy hippie. This little piggy is a fake anarcho-leftist bullshitter. This little piggy is a smelly crust-punk. And this little piggy finds dudes like that to be annoying as fuck, but I’ll forgive them in this case because this is a raging old-school hardcore record with good production and tight playing. It appears my copy either belonged to one of the band members or a friend of the band, so I’m posting the drunken graffiti on the inner sleeve for shits and giggles. Maybe someone recognizes these guys? At any rate, if this record once belonged to you, you’re not getting it back!
Inner Sleeve
Inner Sleeve
Lyrics
SAMPLE TRACKS:
Download HERE
Bunker 84 – “Liberte!” LP (1988)
OK, so I bought this for the cover art. The front cover of this thing boasted some of the crappiest artwork I’ve ever seen—almost as good as the paint-by-numbers Mona Lisa I did at summer camp when I was ten years old. Needless to say, it evoked within me a strong desire to unite with my Aryan Comrades and swear undying fealty to “The Cause”. Look on the back cover and you have four Hollywood Nazis and a Don Johnson stunt double. Musically, Chief Inspector Clouseau is having a really bad day at 33 rpm, while the band churns away at 16 rpm. Lyrically, it’s your standard nationalist stuff sung en Francais. And, no, I’ve never felt the slightest pang of guilt by buying records like this—I have tons of them. “Good” = entertaining to Mr. Poopy. “Bad” = not entertaining to Mr. Poopy.
Down On The Farm!
SAMPLE TRACK:
Download HERE
Holy Right – “Stand As One” LP (1986)
Another Christian rock LP, I’m sure you’re all dying to hear. One look at the cheesy logo (it could pass for some 7th grade kid’s art project) and the band member’s obvious mastery of 80’s Metal hair and style, and I was whipping out my $1.99. Stryper this shit ain’t—and that’s a good thing! In fact, these guys actually rock and I suspect a couple of them were Iron Maiden fans at some point in time—the lead singer even sounds a bit like Bruce Dickinson. There are no corny ballads on this thing—every song is a heavy power-chord rocker, albeit somewhat cheesy. But Mr. Poopy likes cheese and the fact that these kids appear to be genuinely passionate about what they’re doing really shines through. Give me one Holy Right over 100 fake political hardcore bands any day of the week! And don’t try to tell me you shmoes don’t have guilty pleasures like this! Ha! Pity you, if you don’t!
Holy, Right?
SAMPLE TRACKS:
Download HERE
Richard & Willie – “Funky Honkey, Nasty Nigger” LP (1975)
The cover of this LP has shown up on a few sites that like to show off bad record covers and, yet, none of those sites were considerate enough to offer the contents of the record. What a tease! Well, I will now rectify that and, honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about—the cover looks fine to me! For some reason humor tends not to stand the test of time. What was hilarious twenty years ago may not be considered nearly as funny today. Regardless, this thing seems to hold up a little better than many, although it is mostly potty-mouth and sex joke stuff.
Download HERE
Suspect Device – S/T 7″ (1982)
Decent KBD-style Punk Rock out of Brookpark, Ohio—a town where it’s tough to find a stage without a pole in the middle of it! Although, this came out during the Golden Age of Hardcore, it sounds like late 70’s Punk and, while they took their name from a Stiff Little Fingers song, they don’t sound like them. But they don’t like “radio handcuffs”, so it’s all good.
Rear Cover
THE TRACKS:
Kill Ugly Radio
Or Download HERE
Pecker Tracks – “Pissy Cop Therapy” 7″ (1993)
This band out of Muskegon, MI smacks quite a bit of the ole Jap-Core, a sub-genre of which I am not much of a fan. Regardless, this Depression Records release (#13) has grown on me over the years. This is some hard, fast, obnoxious, pissed-off shit, cranked out by a three-piece outfit. Tried to find out more about these guys, but all I can determine is that they were gigging around the time of the release. Six raging tunes on this thing.
SAMPLE TRACKS:
Download HERE
Amaziah – “Straight Talker” LP (1979)
When I found this LP in a thrift store I felt certain I had found the next big thing. Just look at these guys! While this was obviously a Christian Rock outfit, the band is totally Punked-out and what’s up with the dripping blood lettering? Very weird. Was it an attempt to rope non-Christians into buying the record? Who knows? At any rate, I was doomed to disappointment for, upon throwing down the needle, I found that the only Punk thing about them is that they can barely play their instruments and that the type of music they were barely playing seemed more derived from Deep Purple, Boston and Bad Company than the Stones, Ramones or the Sex Pistols. For some reason this record actually fetches a few bucks; are there Christian Rock record geeks, too?
Straight Talker!!!!!!
SAMPLE TRACKS:
Download HERE
Dan Smoot – “Our Nation’s Pact With The Devil” LP (1965)
Another Dan Smoot LP and more of the same prophetic anti-Commie dialogue. I wonder what this guy would be saying if he could look at forty years of steady decline like people could now.
Download HERE
ROKKER – S/T LP (1979)
Aside from Puke, Spit and Guts, this is one of the few serious attempts by biker dudes to cash in on the Punk scene. A lot of Punk purists poo-poo this record and, as one can glean from songs like “Rokker’s Lament” and “Pigeon Hole Wankers”, the Punksters of Austin, TX didn’t much care for them either back in the day. I like this record, though, and biker rock in general, but this really is a ’77-style punk record more than anything else. At the very least, this slab scores points for doing one of the few incest-related Punk songs that I know of—a topic that simply doesn’t get enough coverage in contemporary music!
SAMPLE TRACKS:
Daddy! Whatcha Doin’ To My Sister?
Download HERE
Dick Destiny & The Highway Kings – Arrogance LP (1986)
Keeping with the bikers, I offer you the first Dick Destiny LP. Mr. Destiny and crew were a biker band that played around the Allentown, PA area back in the 80’s and 90’s, often having to share the stage with incompatible acts like Ween and assorted college rock crap. This record is heavy guitar rock that pushes the guitars way out front and, for some unfathomable reason, sticks Dick’s vocals in the back. The lyrics on this thing score a solid 11 out of 10 on the Poopy Scale, by which I mean they are retarded, ridiculous and hilarious. For the most part these tunes are pretty stripped down, bordering on Punk, but he would probably kick your ass if you said that to his face. After leaving the band, Dick Destiny went on to become a pretty decent writer and the fact that the man appears to be fairly articulate and intelligent provides me with a sense of relief for some reason.
TRACKS:
07 BLUES HAVE GOT ME BY THE THROAT
10/10/09–Either someone has been bitching at Rapidshare or they simply don’t like that .rar file for some reason. All the tracks are listed above.
Harley-Davidson Motor Cycles – Daytona Bound LP (197?,198?)
Man, this record sucks! Why do I torture myself? So I can torture you? When I was a kid I always saw bikers as kind of rough dudes who drank a lot and lived kind of a nihilistic, “outlaw” lifestyle. As I grew to know some of those types of guys, I found them to be a pretty ornery bunch who, at one minute, would be joking around with you and, at the next minute, would be flying off the handle and threatening to kick your ass. They were a feral and unpredictable bunch. As I got a little older, I encountered another type of “biker”. This type of “biker” appeared in the form of the white-collar corporate douchebags whose presence I had to suffer to earn a living. These guys would piss away thousands of dollars on a Harley to show they were hip, ride it to work once or twice a year or maybe ride it up to Sturgis on their paid vaction. They would buy all the nifty clothes and accessories that said “Harley-Davidson” on it and wear them to work on “casual Fridays”. This record was created for the latter of these two types of “bikers”.
My guess is that this record was made to play in the background at a trade show or possibly the show room of a dealership. Both sides of the LP have the same songs and, embarrassingly, Harley-Davidson produced it. Simon Stokes this shit ain’t—it is geared towards the lowest common denominator of braindead Yuppie scum, looking to satisfy a midlife crisis. Thankfully, this record does not appear to have made it out to the general public. I have never seen another copy and, yes, mine is beat to hell—perhaps by some biker dude who hated it as much as I do!
BELOW ARE THE SUCKY SONGS ON THIS THING:
Download Entire POS HERE